Stupid Bullshit

So, this week as been kind of hell.

A few months ago I kind of sort of dated an employee of mine. I saw her behind her fiancees back. Yeah, I wasn’t very awesome about it, right? Any who, the reason I even did that was because she made it seem like she wanted to be with me and led me down an alley of lies and deceit upon which I ended the happenings after about 2 months on my terms.

Shortly after this, said lady really turned the corner from being an awesome employee to being a pretty shitty employee. I couldn’t figure it out for the life of me. It got worse as time went on. She would continually complain, bitch, whine, moan, whatever about anything and everything. She was starting to fuck up tasks and she was the worst sales person I’ve seen in a while. Trying to hear her pitch a book was so incredibly awkward.

Ultimately, this accumulated into me really wanting to fire her but she took it as me wanting to fire her because she didn’t return my feelings. Funny though. I recall being the one to end it and her being the one in tears about it. I made it incredibly clear to her that was not the case, but apparently my attempts fell on deaf ears.

I started to catch wind of the bitch bad mouthing me to my new employees and I had had enough and after catching her red handed, she was fired.

We’ll come back to this, got to go back and tell part two of the story.

About 2 months ago now I hired another girl. She became an outstanding employee rapidly and did a fantastic job. We began to hang out, but I didn’t make a move because I was under the belief that she was in a relationship. It turned out that she was, but not anymore. They had recently broken up.

I had realized I really liked this girl in my time spent with her and didn’t want to be the “rebound dude” but things happened between us anyway and as of this moment we’ve quickly become a somewhat serious couple. Neither of us expected this and certainly did not plan on this but we both quickly fell for each other and fall VERY HARD.

Jumping back now…

Now that the first girl was fired, she went to the office of where I work and complained about me to my bosses. She all but played the sexual harassment card and may even get her job back at another store. Through all this my job find out that I was dating another employee and have left me with a decision to make. 1) End the relationship. 2) I get fired. 3) She gets fired.

I am now forbidden 100% from seeing any and all staff members. I understand their legal aspect of it and I can’t argue with it, but that doesn’t mean I have to like the decision that I now have to make, which the two of us have decided will be her. She can afford to lose the job. The catch is that I am likely going to be leaving as well, I just can’t afford being instantly fired. I’m currently in the pursuit of another job. I know where I would like to go, but we’ll see if that plays out.

I am taking this as a sign to move on from this job and make some more money to be happy with my girlfriend, to be able to treat her to nice things she deserves and even spend more time with her. With my head out of my current job I’d be so freed up to do other things. I could even afford a car with the money I would end up making plus get full health and dental. They may even pay for classes at school, which is something I’ve wanted to do for awhile.

All I know is that this fine woman, Valerie, has left a very big imprint on my heart and I’m terribly sorry that my past actions are costing her this job. She literally is my world at this moment (and hopefully a lot of moment from now) and I’m happy that at the very least we won’t have to hid behind a veil of secrecy much longer.

Who knew a K-Receptor Agonist would be this powerful?

Royal Joe leaned back into patio chair uncertain of whether he’d taken drugs or not. Cartoon gravity pushed heavily down on him. At first Joe had tried sitting in a Buddha posture to balance how it weighed on his body, like centring a pair of scales. Royal Joe was a Libra, and such seemed appropriate, but his resolve lasted no more than a minute before it became soft, the scales tipped and the gravity became heavier, or he became lighter and melted into the plastic seat.

Where moments ago there had been the shadowy branches of several trees, there were now hundreds of arrow heads crafted out of shiny black lava rock pointing out toward the purple sky. He brought his eye over Cytosine’s pool and watched how the nearby Auditorium lights poured down the blue sheet that covered it. It was unlike a reflection on water, more like just the shade of white running, like mayonnaise would run out of a jar with a large crack in the lower side of it. Runny white colour condiments leaking out the side of cracked reality.

Royal Joe decided that the setting was alien, or at least of an alternate dimension. He began to ponder whether he arrived here by propulsion, if some fuel had been burned causing him to blast to this alien universe violently, or he had torn through a paper theatre set to see into the backstage. This was of utmost importance.

Cytosine was 60 degrees out of his vision, making him as relevant to Joe as mutilated war victims screaming when the camera was off. Royal Joe rubbed his chin hair in a way that he felt was comical, in a way he imagined the cartoon beatnik dogs drawn by Jason would rub their goatees. He made the conscious effort to pan his head until Cytosine became real again, suddenly complete and startling like being spooked from behind by someone in a marketplace.

“This is insane.” Cytosine ventured, “This is legal. What we just did is totally legal. There isn’t anything the police could do to get us for Salvia.”

Joe thought to ask Cytosine if he was hallucinating because he’d smoked Salvia Divinorum earlier, but then decided it was the likely explanation for the sudden strangeness that enveloped the evening, and didn’t want to look like an idiot – or a crazy.

“Legislature on this stuff doesn’t exist!”

“Doesn’t exist…” Joe repeated to himself. A purely conceptual albeit spherical black hole appeared parallel to Cytosine’s face, drawing every word, image and idea into non-existence with a quick thup sound. “You’re deleting information from the universe.”

Cytosine gave him a long, sympathetic look before answering, “I know.”

“Oh.” Royal Joe said before turning back to the Planet-X landscape. He felt reflective and strange and spent meditative eternities trying to decipher his present experience, future-past tense. He decided that he was this way, whatever direction had lead him there, for a reason, that he probably even wanted to be this way. He could see himself spending nights chilling out on Saturn blocks, decrypting life and language on other planets.

The world had been cut along the shadows, reflections, and varying light or dense patches of colours with scissors or an exacto-knife. It was as if the pieces had been moved around and then reassembled like a jig-saw puzzle. Different light and colour pieces made up the water, which still formed as a rectangle to fit into the pool frame.

“Joe,” Cytosine tapped the table to grab his attention, “How do you feel about moving?”

Royal Joe thought about it. He felt that moving was necessary to get from one place to another, he knew the question was more situation specific than that but still couldn’t narrow it down, he knew that he was still under the thumb of enormous otherworld gravity and that it would be difficult. Lifting his arm up to shoulder length and then letting it drop down past the arm-rest, dangling by the patio floor he said, “I can move. See.”

“I need to go drop some shit off at Value Village.” He was getting up to head inside.

“Oh, yeah, well… are you sober enough?”

“Yeah, I’m sober, man.”

“I’m still… not.”

“Then this’ll be good; this’ll be an adventure!”

He dragged himself through Cytosine’s house looking for his shoes, then basking in amazement at how well they fit, finally walking out to Cytosine’s passenger car-door. Hell tore open as Cytosine turned the key to the car, tortured souls yelled out for attention through the radio, trying to latch on with banshee tendrils that were beaten back when Cytosine turned the volume down. While they pulled out of the drive-way Joe thought the driver was going way too slow to be sober, he was too calm, meditative. The car rocked like a soap bubble floating through the air.

Joe looked awed through the windshield at the one or two cars on the road. They were inter-dimensional objects, ghostly present like a musician’s soul from a few phrases of jazz muted through apartment walls. In a way, they reminded him of seeing a 1960’s television show onscreen in an independent feature film. He hoped that Cytosine was sober enough to know which dimension held the road.

They coasted into an alleyway behind the Value Village building. Two thin-faced men with badly kept beards peered up out of the accumulated donated garbage in front of the loading dock, both with heavy deep-set raccoon eyes. The pair appeared to lose interest quickly once they judged neither Cytosine nor Royal Joe were viable threats.

“I can’t believe they’re digging through this shit.” Cytosine muttered before leaving the driver seat, opening the backseat, grabbing two black garbage bags full of “donation material” and tossing it on top of the pile. He climbed back into the driver’s seat and pulled around, through a large parking lot, and out onto main streets. The route he was taking didn’t make much sense to Joe; he couldn’t understand why Cytosine would take the King St. route with all of the glossy lights and police cars. On top of that, he still couldn’t tell how fast or slow their vehicle was going in relation to the other vehicles on the road.

Most of the world has come back as he knew it daily though, and by the time the car had come to a full stop in Cytosine’s parking lot, Royal Joe felt confident enough to walk his way home. He stood up to his full length until he heard the crick in his joints, said good night to his host, and strutted home, feeling a bit like Charles Mingus sounds.

Cabin steps

Sharp once said he didn’t know what cabin steps meant in one of my former entries here. It was weird to me, because I understood really easily how he could be confused by the terminology, but at the same time I was hoping he’d just understand it as what it was. I walk up and down these cabin steps every day, several times a day, feeling the wood and hearing familiar sounds.

Cabin steps. I always visited a cabin up in Northern Arizona when I was growing up–a great escape from summer heat–and it was red and wooden and lovely. As a kid, I hated it. I always wanted to get home to cartoons and whatnot, just as my brothers did, but something inside me secretly always loved the cabin steps up to the door. The flooring of the porch–cabin steps. They made the familiar noise that reminded me of rustic pine forests, cool and clean air, lizards, and countless bright and endearing stars at night. A refuge from normal life–it was always somewhere I would learn something new about myself whether I wanted to be there or not.

I went to a camp for young Mormon ladies during my early teens, and the cabin steps appeared again. I lived in a cabin for a week. It was as cold as I can remember anything being, with windows that didn’t close, no lights, and rows of bunk beds full of giggling girls I couldn’t relate to. I remember how lost I felt there, and how I had torn feelings about a Book of Mormon I received as a gift–an initiation. I was happy to have it, because it was heartfelt from the young ladies I bunked with, but I still felt this distance and anxiety about having the little book, with the photo inside the front cover of all of us girls arm in arm. I remember how even at church camp there were cliques, and the group of cool girls washed their hair every single day under the green garden hose in order to look their best even in the wilderness. I remember the nature spiritual hikes, and how strange I felt on these walks in complete darkness, hands each grasping a different girl…forming a line of people through the vegetation. I think I broke the chain with my confusion. The cabin had the same feel I get sometimes when I’m running down the stairs here, uncertain of what my next few months will be like and what I’m going to learn. I was so uncertain.

I grew up with a playhouse, salvaged from some rich peoples’ yard, made completely of similar unfinished wood. It made the same noises and had the same minor give that I appreciate every day that I have here, living in normalcy and growing older… I grew up with my nieces and nephew, and we played in this house every single day, the wood flooring making heavy clopping noises as we stepped around and pretended to be plane crash survivors or Lion King characters or a group of people living a hermit lifestyle. I played here with my cousin, too…we found a black widow together and just stared at it in complete horror. I was certain I’d die that day staring at it, and thinking back I have absolutely no idea what even happened. The spider never killed me though, I guess. I was so full of wonder and amazement, and I had the most vivid imagination… one I’ve missed dearly in my time here, with my current cabin steps reminding me of things I can’t quite place my finger on.

So I’m going to Portland tomorrow, again. I’m not sure how this relates, but it’s in my head.

astral projection

First jogging.

Savasana;
basketball court;
then looking up.

She was right
about the sky
tonight.

Keep the walls from Crumbling

So, I’m not too entirely sure what I’m supposed to do here, but I’ve got some time, so I’ll just ramble.

I’m not sure exactly what’s up with my life. I’m 18 years old, and quickly realising that it’s certainly crappy and lonely being single. Yes, I went there… Single life. I know, I know, I should be happy never having to answer to anyone, flirting, liming (slang for hanging out), relaxing, with guys. But here’s the thing! I’m not a flirty type person, I don’t go clubbing and whatnot much! Because I hate going to these places as a single woman!
I particularly find that being single is ridiculously a hard thing to, when all your friends are in a relationship, and you end up being the 3rd wheel, or the 5th or 7th wheel… I don’t like odd numbers, apparently. Here, graduation (another post will be dedicated to this), is much like America’s Prom, except without the King and Queen and the voting and whatnot. Well, generally, you roll in formal clothes, and with a DATE. The day of grad, my date cancelled on me. Why? Because he apparently didn’t have a ride… Well that was nice of him. I ended up going there, and being alone for most of the night. Luckily, my best friend’s boyfriend brought a friend, who I ended up dancing with. Now, dancing in our country is MUCH different than America’s, since there are songs devoted to the genre ’soca’, and I just can’t explain how dancing is.. It’s very.. VERY.. intimate. In a weird way.

Anyway, I quickly realised that being single, sucks. I don’t understand how it is that the bitchy and mean types end up with good guys, and the ‘good’ people end up alone. Not that I classify myself as “good” in many ways… At 18, I’ve understood that society and traditions have changed, and a graduation is no longer something to go enjoy with your friends, and if you don’t have a significant other, well, you may as well not go. It’s simpler that way. I’ve come to the conclusion that if, by next year, I don’t have a boyfriend, then I won’t be going to the graduation dance.

This year I went because I had repeated, and this year is the year I’m supposed to be graduating high school, but I’ll be graduating next year.. And then hopefully, get into med school. Well, I won’t find out till next year. However, I maintain that going to graduation is not a friendship affair at all, and those that still go for that reason are left feeling miserable, empty and out of place.

Back to this, though. This ’single’ lifestyle doesn’t suit me at all. I’d rather have someone to talk to at night, to go hang out with, to dance with, to love. My heart is actually being numbed from filling up with nothing but emptiness. Maybe emptiness is something, and my heart will soon have room for no more…

DeeJay’s Muxtape

When I first read Sharp’s post about his “muxtape”, I thought that he typed the word mixtape wrong and thought that Sharp made an error in his grammar, which can’t be right, because his writing is always top notch and thorough.

I had a listen to his hip hop muxtape and was very impressed by it, its the sort of hip hop that I like. In fact, I listened to it twice over. I had a look on the actual website and decided that I would make my own Muxtape and give it a go.

It seems like they limit you to only 12 songs, which made it a challenge. A challenge to impress, but also to show to other users my taste in music and my current favourites. I spent all night going through my library and what I could compile together, I always found enjoyment in creating playlists and mix CDs.

So here it is, my first Muxtape, hope you enjoy it. (If you don’t, thanks for taking the time to listen to it.)

http://deejaynye.muxtape.com/

(Subject to change)

So Happy!

I don’t believe that I’ve ever been this happy in my entire life…

It’s hard to sum you up.

You sit and stare at me, and I have no idea what it is you’re thinking.  I can guess sometimes about the surface of your thoughts–my hair looks bad, my shirt looks alright, I need to get braces–but I can never get below those surface thoughts, even now when I wanted to more than ever.

idon’tknowwhattosaytoyou.
ibarelyknowwhatididtoyou.
ican’tapologize.
ican’t.

I was listening to the droning hum of the bus and the mellow conversation of people around me.  Whenever something larger is on my mind, I tend to listen to people around me for direction, or noises and undertones for answers.  My mind takes in these noises and rearranges them to suit my own situation, and somehow I feel like the entire community is connected with my personal life.  Perhaps it’s irrational, fuck if I know, I just know that despite all of the logic and rationality I trust, I still think everything is connected to me in some greater way.  Someone must be fucking with me.  Is it you all along, all the way on the other side of the country?

she looked to me and paused only for a split second, one anyone else would have failed to notice.  i saw her physically push her thoughts into her stomach, and they rolled around her intestine for a while, slithering around.  i couldn’t see it, i could hear it in the room…in the beeping machines and breathing of my father.  i could hear it in the interruptions and sleepless laughter from her thin lips.  anyone else would never have caught a thing–in fact, they didn’t.  they sat in silence and observed the world’s first invisible train wreck.

she’slookingatmelikei’mcrazy.
andmaybeiam.
iwanttobelieveher.
ican’t.

There was this thing that brought us together.  Yes, it was inevitable and it was going to happen whether we began hating each other or not.  I knew this was going to happen, and I had so many dreams that were a painful smoke in my head.

One morning I woke up with you all over my thoughts, and the smoke of the dream was burning the inside of my skull.  It escaped as water through my eyes, clouded and distraught, and my ears even ached with your voice in my head.  I guess it was more than one time, more like countless times… it comes and goes and it’s just something I live with, like tobacco would fill my lungs if I were an addictive person.

she looked to me for approval, guidance, and someone to gossip to.  i could see her age in the strings of her hair, try as she must to look amazing.  she still looks amazing, but only i could see this thing wearing on her.  it’s something only i possess.  it’s attacked her, and maybe she deserves it.

pleasedon’tthinkthisdodgeneonismine.
idriveanexpensivecarandleadasuccessfullife.
i’mhappy.
ican’t.

Do you define yourself by the secret moments in your life?  I know so much about you–so much more than you know that I know.  I can predict all of your surface emotions and thoughts, and you’re such a superficial person.  You’re a shell of a person.  This is why I can only hope, as disturbing as the reality would prove to be to my own problems, that there’s something deep within you governing your actions besides what I can see so clearly.  There’s some mystery in you, like there is inside of me.

Tell me.

I sit and stare at you and you look just like I remember, only your skin is hanging a bit lower on your face.  It’s strange how a few months can distort you, but at the same time you seem exactly the same…to my dismay.  I had hoped over and over for some change in you, to see something, anything, that would tell me what is next.  What will I dream about happening next if you continue to leave me in the dark?

Nothing.  Right?  You look at me and your eyes seem to hide nothing.  But that can’t be true given what’s happened.  Why would you call me that?

You disappear into your clothing and face paint.  You’re just a deception… you’re deceiving me and you, by ignoring this.  As always, all I can do is hope you feel regret.  you’re just nothing to me.

you’rejustnothingtome.

Hate To Say I Told You So…

Oh, who the hell am I kidding, I told you so. I fucking told you so. It feels so good to be right.

It’s not often i’m so very, very right about something like I was yesterday. Not only did he show his true colors, he damned any chance he ever may have had in my mind of reaching the position he was awarded, on his own merits. After hearing the news he turned back into the same person i’ve seen him become all too often online, and while it was a pain to see his “drastic turn,” it wasn’t really all that much of a surprise. I’m glad I stepped forward and reversed the decision, I only wish I had done it sooner. If it hadn’t been for other dissenting voices, I might not have made it. I may have left it to fail of its own devices, which when i think about it, wouldn’t be the favorable option. All in all, it felt good to grow a pair for once and take a stand.

No Country For A Dark Knight In The Twilight Zone.

Hi folks. Brad aka Ma Jr from the Center here, newly joined to the (IP) community blog. I’m probably going to end up using it much the same way I did my livejournal and the IP forum, pretty much to record my thoughts about mostly shows, movies, games and books, maybe sometimes dreams and other stuff if they’re interesting enough.

Spoilers abound, so be careful.

First off, I checked out the No Country For Old Men movie a few nights ago for the first time. I went into it only being aware that it won awards last year, so I really didn’t know what I was in for. By the end, I was incredibly disappointed. The movie had great characters, delicious sound, good pacing and some tense moments. I was seriously thinking that it would end up as a modern day “The Good, The Bad and the Ugly.” Llewellyn was a bad ass in the same way that the Man With No Name was, Chirugh was almost supernatural evil as a villain and held the place of Angel Eyes, and Carson Wells, though not quite as greasy and slippery as Tuco, could definitely have filled the mold of the third man with his quirks and willingness to deal with Llewellyn to get what they both want. Then it all fell apart. Tuco was killed not long after he was introduced, The Man With No Name got randomly killed by Bandits, and for the grand finale, Angel Eyes fell off his horse and got an owie, and we’re left with the comic relief of the entire movie telling us about a dream he had. Ugh. I know the book was supposed to have themes of fate and all that, but this was building towards an epic gunfight and never delivered. It astounds me how this movie won major awards with such an anti-climactic ending. It went from being a re-watchable classic to an accidental one-watch movie for me. If I wanted to watch random carnage and bad things happening to people for little reason, I’ll turn on the 6 O’Clock news. At least Caswell’s death was good. The telephone ringing made me shit my pants, and then the silenced Shotgun going off and being quieter than the telephone was a nice effect.

I also watched the Dark Knight the other day. I went into it figuring that the massive amount of hype it was receiving (#1 on IMDB’s top 250… the greatest movie ever in the history of movies? Come on) was going to end up not delivering. The same thing had happened to me during Batman Begins. They called it a great movie, but really, it was a great Batman movie and just okay as a movie. I had higher hopes for the sequel due to the Joker, a cameo by the Scarecrow and what I perceived to be the build-up for Two-Face for the third movie. By the end, I was astonished at how good The Dark Knight ended up being. It was one of those rare movies that DESERVED the hype it’s received. The strange thing is, I liked it for a reason that wasn’t expected for me going in. All I heard was Joker, Joker, Joker, Joker, Joker, Joker going into the movie, so I expected the Joker to be an out-of-control maniac and for him to pull off crazy stunts and really push Batman. What I wasn’t expecting was for the character of Harvey Dent to be played so amazingly well. That was the emotional connection for me in the movie that probably wouldn’t have been there if it was just Batman vs the Joker. Sure, the Joker would’ve been good fun, but I have a hard time believing that him just pulling off crazy stunts and possibly threatening Batfriends could’ve made it more than a one-watch movie for me. The Joker gradually turning Harvey from a crusading hero to a half-burned maniac just so he can prove that he can do it was compelling storytelling. It made what would be a memorable version of the Joker into a truly classic portrayal. The ending left off on an emotional note, and I’m now intrigued at the prospects for the third film. How they’re possibly going to follow this up, I have no idea.

There were a few things that I didn’t quite like about it, though. I felt the Hong Kong side adventure was a waste of time, especially considering the length of the movie. I was also disappointed that the Scarecrow only had a minor appearance, and I wish there was some fear gascapades filling up the Hong Kong time. I also did not care much for the chase scene. Joker playing chicken with the Bat-Cycle was good stuff, but the chase was ridiculous and a bit lengthy for what it ultimately accomplished. I also felt Commissioner Gordon faking his death wasn’t necessary, and that the shock of someone dying only to come back cheapened Rachel’s death later on, as the idea of someone important dying had gotten into and out of our system by the time it happened for real. The positives very much outweigh the negatives, though, and it’s definitely a movie I’m going to add to my collection when it’s released.
I’ve also recently been watching The Original Twilight Zone from 1959-1964. I have never seen an episode of any version of the Twilight Zone, not because I was avoiding it or didn’t think it was worth the time, but simply because it never crossed my mind to watch it and I never happened to catch it randomly on TV. I went in believing that it would be Leave It To Beaver combined with sci-fi concepts that would have been so overused by this day and age that they would be cliche. Instead, I was very much surprised at how good the stories are. Some are definitely cliche and the portrayal of space travel is amusingly terrible (only with hindsight though, so it’s easy to put it out of my mind) but some of the themes are deep and some of the endings aren’t as predictable as I thought they’d be. So far I’ve watched the first season (sans an episode or two). I was originally going to start listing episodes that I found notable, but after looking over the list for the first season, there’s just too many episodes that I could mention for one reason or another. Instead, I’m just going to go for what I thought were the absolute best 5 episodes of the 36 episode season (subtracting the one or two that I missed). If you’d like to watch them, I could hook you up with something nice and easy that doesn’t require a lot of time to set-up and doesn’t require acquiring.

- The Lonely: A man is serving a solitary confinement prison sentence on his own asteroid and is given a peculiar gift by a supply ship captain. I find the ending to be disturbing even by today’s standards.

- The Hitch-Hiker: A woman driving west keeps seeing the same man trying to thumb a lift. I loved the tense build-up to the end.

- The Purple Testament: A WWII soldier suddenly develops the ability to see who is going die in the near future. I really enjoyed how disgusted he looked at his lot in life just before the climax of the episode.

- The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street: A neighbourhood block becomes increasingly paranoid when a strange phenomena renders all their appliances, tools and machines useless. Just for the end narration.

- A Stop At Willoughby: A stressed business executive dreams of stopping at a quiet village called Willoughby. Beautiful with a slap on the face for good measure.

There’s still about 3-4 episodes that I could’ve placed in that top 5, and many more that are interesting and thought provoking. I also get some side enjoyment out of seeing ingenious camera shots and angles with limited equipment compared to now even though I’m not much of a technical movie guy. It’s going to be a fun four more seasons (hopefully).